Look, not everyone’s idea of fun is “conquering nature” or “exploring the wilderness”. Vacation stems from the Latin word vacātiō which means to move as little has humanly possible with out having ravens gnaw at your body. So why is it that every time you go on vacation to Yosemite someone always telling you to hike a mountain or scale a rockface or to jerk off a koala for sustenance? I’m not Bear Grylls. In case you do get suckered into going to Yosemite, here are three things to do that don’t involve the words “hike”, “half”, or “dome” but still lets you experience the outdoors.

  1. Curry Village ($90 per room): Don’t feel like pitching a tent? You don’t have to. Curry Village offers pre-erect canvas cabins with modern accommodations such as electricity, light, and beds. Best of all you’re within walking distance to showers, a coffee shop, beer, and even a pool. We’re modern people, we have modern needs. Penis joke.
  2. Rafting ($25 per person): Alright this is not nearly as intense as it sounds. From the months of May to July, the Merced River becomes calm enough for the Park Rangers to let us common folk raft. True story: we had a friend fall off the raft, freak out and start panicking because she can’t swim, only to realize the water was only 3 feet deep. What a dumbass.
  3. Guided Tour (free): This is pretty bottom rung on the activity chart. Instead of sleeping in your tent, you’re going to be sleeping on a flatbed tractor next to the German tourist and a guy with a oxygen tank while Ranger Jill talks to you about glacier formed rocks and Ansel Adams. The upside is that you can drink the whole time.
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